Any day when my boys are under the same roof with me is the best day. This is because my oldest is 19 and moved out when he started his freshman year of college last year. It started before that. I left my x-husband in June of 2018 and the divorce was final that October. I went from spending EVERY DAY, seeing/feeling/hearing/interacting-with/watching/listening-to/the car rides/staring into their eyes 🥺 and putting them to bed every single night 💔every freaking day to splitting time with their dad. He did not deserve for it to be fair. The boys deserved better but I was scared and weak. Sharing my most precious babies with a man that is an awful human being. I hate him for the pain he’s caused us, but I’m an adult. I can handle it. The kids are kids and they shouldn’t have to “handle it.” I’m embarrassed to say it but we’ve been surviving and that’s not living. Their lives should have been better, much-much better. Children shouldn’t learn what the pain of being abused and used feels like. Growing up confused from the lies one parent tells another. When someone you love, intentionally lights you up and makes you think you’re crazy and emotional like you’re guilty of something, just so they can watch you squirm and flail and jump up and down begging them to make it stop…then that person “saves the day” in the face of the public because he’s “emotionally stable” and so personable. He quite frequently reminds you that you’re not a victim. It was difficult for me to be “so personable” when you’re conditioned to feel like you do nothing right, constantly second guessing everything, afraid to make them mad, afraid they’ll wake up the kids, losing sleep because they’ll wake you up whenever they decide to come home….I spent all my energy making sure our kids and the public believed he was a stand up guy, great husband, and a good dad. What a joke! I was the joke. I knew I was the joke. I spent 15+ solid years being the butt of his joke. (His “fan club” as I called it, a bunch of idiots that treated him like he was a superstar. He was surrounded by people that were afraid to see who he really is.) But it’s our life. It’s not funny. I get so angry when I think about him smiling and laughing about the chaos and pain he caused and still causes. He still does it and I see that rubbing off on one of my kids 😢 but it’s not his fault. They are teenagers now. It’s still just as detrimental and dangerous. But as a small child, you just take it in. You don’t really understand but you don’t feel right. But you can’t quite articulate it. He didn’t deserve them and still doesn’t. I told him that a long, long time ago and it never changed. I did NOT deserve to lose them. They deserved a “normal dad” that was loving and sober, but that was never our reality. And do not make excuses or pity him because he’s still a monster when he’s sober. The alcohol and drugs are not to blame. He made his choices.

When my three boys are home I feel a calmness…maybe I’m having a hard time with this next phase of life. That stage when they begin to “get older” is hard enough when all you want to do is protect them from the world; preserve their innocence; protect them from any person that brings them pain; I’m lost without my youngest. I’m lost without my little guys, my boys, the years that all they know is hanging out with mom. I miss my three boys. I wasn’t ready to be without my kids. That family time, cuddling, snuggling, movies, playing, etc….free of distractions from the outside world.

Love 😍 this dress from Ann Taylor but it did not help me get the job. 🥺

Today is a gift. I’m grateful to God to be alive, mom to my three boys, engaged to my person, employed, healthy mentally⭐️ physically ⭐️emotionally, able to run and exercise, gifted with an abundance of resources to take care of our needs on earth, and knowing God will never give up on me. I always wanted to be a mother like Mary, the perfect mother. I miss taking my little ones to mass during the week. I need God in my life. Nothing God happens without Him. He’s saved me many times in my life from my own demise. I know I have a purpose.