Randomamanda

The physical pain and my body breaking down from the inside due to the past trauma, current custody dispute, and aftermath of being mentally/emotionally/physically abused, threatened and manipulated; Years of being broken down from a strong, confident woman to a weak, broken, scared soul. Then learning of the terrible neglect and mental, emotional, and physical abuse my boys went through after I left. I had to leave to stay alive and I actually thought (at the time year ago) as long as their dad and I were separated, not living together, that my precious babies, my three boys, would be okay with him half of the time. I had no idea what I was doing. I thought he could parent on his scheduled time and be a fucking idiot on his own time. I believed he would follow the legal agreement we both signed because it’s a legal document and he’ll get in trouble if he doesn’t sign it. WRONG on everything. I was an absolute idiot. How stupid can I be over and over again. I was a fool over and over again, day in and day out, for years! The courts do not hold anyone accountable unless you have a stream of money. The police don’t touch it unless you’re bleeding and bruised; Polaroid proof….I should have known better but at that time, I just needed to stay live for my boys. I did what I could do and of course hindsight is clearer view. But, I needed to get out and as soon as I had the opportunity, I took it. It wasn’t a surprise we were getting a divorce but for a malicious, cunning, selfish dirtbag that literally has no connection with reality, he was “surprised.” I left in June of 2018 and the divorce was finalized in October of the same year. Honestly, in the last 4.5 years, there was only a short period of time I remember being kind of “carefree” and free from him. That didn’t last and it still feels like he’s winning. His winning is still causing damage. Everything I work to heal and put back together, he just keeps chugging along against me. Against our kids. All I want is to protect my boys, no matter their age, it’s my job; being their mom is the most important role I’ll ever have. I’m blessed and grateful God chose me and I’m sick with guilt for unintentionally causing my kids so much grief and pain. This, all of this, is why they acted out. They never ever deserved any of it. They do not deserve to have to deal with it now. There’s not any place in the world for parents that choose to hurt their kids. There’s no place on earth for a husband that chooses to hurt his wife. A child’s heart and mind should be protected and their innocence kept securely by their parents. Trust and love go hand and hand. I broke their trust too. I am so sorry.

Survival is a way of life. I’m doing okay at it. Staying above water most 🫣 of the time. I’m physically sick with anxiety most days. Most days, some point during 24 hours, I have to consciously stop myself from crying. Once I start, I’m shaking. I have to pull over so I don’t get into an accident. Despite, being blessed with my person, a good man that will be my husband next year 💞, with all the joy and blessings day to day, life is a gift, one of my son’s is with me full-time, I am proud of my oldest, I am 100% hopeful and arms wide open to all the Blessings God has in store, I expect Good things BIG stuff 🤗, just as I expect God will never abandon me during the hardest times, I have to believe He has a Purpose and I do. I am happy..🥺, but I’m still lost. I’m still breaking inside. I’m sorry 😞 I miss my son so much it hurts. I’m sorry 😞 I can’t take away all the pain and anger and sadness, the disappointment, the questions, the nightmare and neglect you’ve experienced, my son. I love #mythreeboys more than the number of stars in the universe. Maneuvering the holidays without all three of my boys is like being stabbed over and over again. The adrenaline is nauseating. I’m so sad. It’s a very difficult, different year. I’m grateful for my boys still with me. I’m proud of their strength. I have to be strong for them. I also think they put some pressure on themselves to be strong for me. This is hard. I take care of them. I’m blessed to have my fiancé and his family. We are creating some new traditions. Just doing new things. 🦃🎄It is our first holiday season living together. It’s nice. We are slowly but surely creating a wonderful life together. Good people should be appreciated. No one is perfect, but it’s warming to have good people care and take interest in you. Different and new is not bad. We are doing it together and that’s what matters. XOXO 🤍💜